Europeans are scared shitless of New York City because they saw Taxi Driver and nobody told them Giuliani cleaned it up a long time ago. This survival guide is for them. (Editor’s note: I skipped around, click the link to read the whole thing.)

1 – HEADPHONES
Squinting to see the little L or R on you headphones takes too long. It also leaves you vulnerable to an attack. Instead of wasting your time with that shit, just stick them in your ears. If they feel weird, switch ‘em around. No matter how slowly you do the switcheroo, it’s still faster than finding those tiny letters.

2 – FARTS
Letting out a stinky fart on the train is now considered a terrorist attack. However, holding in a fart can tie your stomach into cripplingly painful knots. Here’s the deal: If you haven’t already had your morning shit, you cannot fart no matter what. If you have had your morning shit, then it’s all about temperature. Let the fart go towards you anal lips and hold it right at the edge to gauge its temperature. Toots above body temperature are almost always toxic so: If it’s hot, let it rot. If it’s not, blow up the spot.

6 – NO POT, NO ACID, NO RAP
This isn’t The Warriors anymore kiddies. You can’t smoke joints, you can’t drop acid and you most certainly CANNOT listen to loud rap music on your ghetto blaster.

10 – PACK HEAT
Mayorial candidate Bernard Goetz came up with a great way to deal with violence on the train: Blow their fucking heads off. It is perfectly legal to carry a gun anywhere in America but you should carry a small one because you’re only going to use it once a year and motherfuckers can be a fucking pain to lug around. When someone tries to assault you, pull it out and start shooting. If four bullets doesn’t seem to do the trick, say something like, “You don’t look so bad, here’s another.” That will send a message to all the whores, skunk pussies, buggers, queens, fairies, dopers, junkies, and the sick, that you are the real rain that’s come to wash all the scum off the streets.