You know how when norms end up in your bar or club by accident they always try something with your hottest, most weird-dressing female friend and you laugh at them because they think big muscles and talking about their job is going to impress her, when all she wants is a guy with neck tattoos and drum kit? You’re all, “How does he think this is going to pan out? He’s a fucking moron if he thinks any of this is going to work,” and you make sure he sees you laugh at him. Then he gets the message and backs down (and then waits for you all outside to beat the living shit out of you ’cause he goes to the gym and you’re all pussies).

After the three of you clean yourselves up from being wailed on by one guy, you comfort yourselves by talking about how that guy had no fucking clue how to talk to women. That makes you feel better about being a bunch of pussies, but what if you’re a bunch of pussies who also don’t know how to get with women? Then he’s ahead of you because at least he can beat up three guys at once. What have you got? You’ve got nothing.

You guys should be really good at talking to women ’cause you’re art fans and you know about David Lynch and stuff. But when it comes down to it, trying to get girls to have sex with us drives us crazy with unrequited lust, and all the book-learnin’ and respect for women goes out the window. When that happens, us art fags end up acting exactly the same as the Ed Hardy boys, and our women folk hate that (because otherwise they’d be with them; those guys are way richer than we are when they’re in their early 20s).

I’ve compiled a brief list of (sex) crimes that people often commit when they’re so into a girl they can’t see that they’re acting like a fucking jock, just so yoos can check yourselves before it gets out of hand.

LYING ABOUT HAVING ALREADY DONE IT

Everyone knows how this one goes: You’ve been lurking around some girl for a few weekends and nothing’s really been happening, but she’s the kind of girl that lots of guys know and talk to. You don’t like that other guys haven’t recognized that you’re on that shit, so you kinda, sorta imply that you kinda, sorta already did stuff with her to a few guys. This does make all those guys back off, which is what you wanted.

Everyone also knows what happens next though: Because she’s the sort of girl who lots of guys know, one of them completely innocently says to her, “Oh, so I hear you’re hooking up with XXX?” and she’s like, “Haha! No, we’re just hanging out but nothing’s happened — who told you that?” and he looks really puzzled and says, “Errrm, XXX did.”

Two things then happen: She feels totally violated and refuses to talk to you (this shit is worse than rape for some girls), and the guy tells everyone what a fucking loser you are for lying about it. Nine times out of ten you will have said it because you’re so into her but were worried that other people might get to her before you (which is lame, but kind of cute), but ten times out of ten people will think you did it to showoff and look the big man for something you didn’t even do (which is pretty unpleasant).

GETTING MAD THAT IT’S NOT HAPPENING

After a few weeks of being a nice fucking guy (probably about a month of talking on the phone, meeting on lunch breaks and staying over but getting nothing), things get pretty frustrating. If nothing at all has happened at the six-week mark, leave it because she knows what the fuck is up but she just doesn’t find you attractive and the best thing you can do is walk away. If she’s the kind of self-involved bitch that keeps a sucker hanging around for six weeks, then she’ll miss the attention and be on your dick in no time.

The worst possible thing you can do at this point is let all the resentment and blue balls born out of fruitless nights staying in her amazing smelling bed without even being able to have a surreptitious wank while she sleeps next to you seep out into a rage attack when she denies you for the 15 millionth time. If she really was just biding her time and checking if you were the nice guy you were acting like (she probs just came out of a long thing with some other dude who shouted at her and stuff), then you just fucked it by screaming “What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you trying to upset me and ruin my life with this shit?!” an inch from her face. She’ll quietly ask you to leave and that’ll be it.

UNSOLICITED SUGGESTIVE TEXTS

If you haven’t been intimate with someone but they gave you the gift of their number or their BBM, they might be a little into you, which is totally fair enough; you’re a nice guy and you were funny and you bought her a drink but didn’t force her to hang out with you too long or follow her around the bar like a psycho ’cause you got too drunk or wink at her or any of that shit.

What you mustn’t do with this special gift that she has given you is use it to try to be all sexy and suggestive via text because you have no idea what she’s doing at the moment she receives it. She might get it while she’s changing her tampon or changing her grandad’s underwear ’cause he is in the final “pooping a lot” stages of Alzheimer’s, or she might be helping out at a rape-crisis center. None of these things are sexy and even if she’s not doing one of those horrible things, even though you’ve got your dick in your left hand as you type, there’s such a slim chance that she’s gonna be feeling sexy at the same time as you, that you’re just going to look like a dirty fucker.

AND SHE KNOWS WHAT YOU’RE DOING WHEN YOU SEND IT. She thinks it’s gross.

SLEEPING IN HER BED AND TRYING IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN
If you’ve been trying and trying with a girl who’s not so sure but at least keen to talk to you, and it gets really late and she says you can sleep over, but then stipulates a “no funny business” clause in the verbal contract of you sleeping in her bed, then you’ve got to suck it up and take it, pal. “No” does sometimes mean “yes,” but if she’s been firm about it before you’ve got under the covers, then just roll over and go to sleep, safe in the knowledge that you’ve made some healthy baby steps towards wetting your dick, but tonight is not the night.

Everyone knows the above option is the best one, but after a few drinks, so many go for the option involving roaming hands being knocked back over and over again, with one final, semi-violent attempt at holding her down and making out with her followed by a disgruntled exhalation of breath and a roll over, or you getting thrown out of her bed.

She won’t think you’re an actual rapist and call the police, but she will call you a rapist to all her friends and you’ll never sleep in her bed again and none of her friends will want to fuck you.

By my reckoning, if you avoid these slip-ups, you’re laughing, boys.

YOU’RE WELCOME.