JOLIET — A man told police he was the victim of “Booty call ninjas” early Friday.

According to reports, a 44-year-old man called police after getting jumped around 1:15 a.m. in the alley off the 300 block of Youngs Avenue.

“Upon arrival, officers found the man drenched in blood,” police said. “He said he’d called his ex-girlfriend and asked her to come over for sex. She agreed to come over.”

A short time later, Katherine M. Casarez, 29, allegedly texted the victim she was in the nearby alley and had him come out to meet her.

“As he walked to her vehicle a masked man jumped from the darkness yelling and swung a pair of nunchuks at him — hitting him in the head,” police said. “Casarez grabbed a second pair of nunchuks from her vehicle and hit him in the head as well.”

Paramedics took the man to Silver Cross Hospital for treatment after he identified his ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend as his attackers. At the crime scene, police also found “two throwing stars — one stuck into a telephone pole” during their investigation. After officers found Casarez at her residence, 710 Clement St., she reportedly admitted to attacking her former lover with nunchuks.

She was booked into the county jail on charges of aggravated domestic battery, aggravated battery, unlawful use of a weapon and armed violence.

Police were also seeking a 34-year-old Joliet man for questioning Friday, reports said.

Britain’s newest hero is a Nepali.

Queen Elizabeth II on Wednesday awarded Britain’s second-highest award for bravery, the Conspicuous Gallantry Cross, to Acting Sgt. Dipprasad Pun of the Royal Gurkha Rifles.

While stationed as a lone sentry at a checkpoint in Afghanistan’s Helmand province on September 17, Pun fended off an attack by up to 30 Taliban fighters.

“There were many Taliban around me,” Pun said in an interview with British Forces News. “I thought they are definitely going to kill me. … I thought before they kill me I have to kill some of them.”

During the 15-minute battle, Pun fired more than 400 rounds of ammunition, detonated 17 grenades and a mine and even threw his gun tripod at a Taliban fighter climbing toward his position, according to British Forces News.

“He was just about to climb up there and I hit (him) with my tripod and he fell down again,” Pun told British Forces News.

Pun’s actions saved the lives of three fellow soldiers at the checkpoint and were the “bravest seen in his battalion over two hard tours in Afghanistan,” according to his medal citation.

Pun was not wounded in the firefight.

“That he survived unscathed is simply incredible,” his medal citation says. “Throughout Dip’s actions he was under almost constant intense fire. Dip’s courage and gallantry were simply astonishing.”

Pun, 31, joined the British military in 2000 and also has served in Bosnia and Kosovo.

Like other Gurkhas, Pun is from Nepal. The Gurkhas were incorporated into British forces after their fighting skill impressed the opposition British during the Nepal Wars of 1814 to 1816. As part of the peace treaty ending that conflict, Gurkhas were admitted into East India Company’s army and then into the British military.

Gurkhas recruited solely in Nepal remain Nepalese citizens during their service. Gurkha unit officers are British.

(Editor’s note: Gurkas are so gully. Monocle had a great article on them in 2008.)

NIGGAS ASKED ME A COUPLE TIMES IF HITTING A BITCH WAS OK AND UNDER WHAT CIRCUMSTANCES ETC. SOME NIGGAS REALLY DIDN’T KNOW AND SOME NIGGAS WAS EXPECTING ME TO BE LIKE “NAH IT’S PERFECTLY NORMAL TO BREAK YA WIFE’S LEG IN HALF IF SHE STEPS IN FRONT OF THE TV PICKIN UP GARBAGE OFF THE FLOOR AND FUCKS UP YA KILLSTREAK” YOU SHOULDN’T JUST BEAT BITCHES UP FOR NO REASON B. THAT’S FOUL B, CUZ IMAGINE YOUR DAUGHTER GETTIN HER EYELASHES BEAT OFF BY SOME NIGGA CUZ SHE TALKED OVER AN ESPN HIGHLIGHT. YOU GOT A DVR NIGGA THAT WAS TOTALLY UNNECESSARY. SO YOU SHOULD NEVER HIT A FEMALE B.

UNLESS 

1) SHE PUNCHES YOU OD HARD IN THE FACE IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE: IF YOU ON THE 5 TRAIN AT 149TH PLAYIN PLANTS VS ZOMBIES IGNORING WHATEVER BULLSHIT SHORTY IS TALKIN ABOUT AND SHE GETS TIGHT TO A POINT WHERE SHE’S ACTIN RECKLESS AND YOU JUST BE LIKE “MA, SHUTUP.” THEN SHE PUNCHES YOU OD HARD IN YOUR FACIAL? YOU GOTTA DO SOMETHING, CUZ NIGGAS IS LAUGHIN AT YOU. SO YOU GOTTA OPEN HAND SMACK SHORTY IN HER FACE SO HARD THAT HER EYEBALLS TURN INTO JELLO SHOTS AND FALL OUT. DO NOT PUNCH HER CUZ SOME NIGGA IS GONNA TRY TO COME TO HER RESCUE AND THEN YOU GOTTA THROW HOMIE ON THE TRACKS LIKE MY NIGGA QTIP DID IN PRISON SONG. THEN SUBSEQUENTLY GO TO JAIL AND DO CRAZY JOINTS AND EAT ONION SOUPS ON SOME MAZEL TOV WACK SHIT. WHICH SUCKS CUZ THEN SHORTY GETS THE LAST LAUGH. SO JUST SMACK HER IN THE FACE OD HARD.  

2) SHE HITS YOUR MOTHER/SISTER: IF SHORTY VIOLATES LIKE THAT AND HITS YOUR MOMS OR YOUR SISTER THEN YOU GOTTA GO HAMMY DAVIS JR. ON THE BITCH B. YOU CAN’T LET THAT SLIDE AND EVEN IF YOUR SISTER GOT IT YOU GOTTA HIT SHORTY IN THE CHEST WITH THE VANDAMME KICK B FUCK ALL THAT GENTLEMAN SHIT. YOU GOT THE GREEN LIGHT TO PUNCH A BITCH IN THE FACE, BODYSLAM A BITCH ON A FIRE HYDRANT, ALL THAT. JUST DON’T KILL HER OBVIOUSLY. BUT NOW YOU GOTTA BE PREPARED TO FUCK HER BROTHER UP CUZ THAT NIGGA IS PROLLY GONNA TRY TO HOOK OFF. IF YOU LIVE IN THE HOOD THIS IS GONNA END UP WITH ONE OF YALL NIGGAS GETTIN SHOT TO PIECES AND NIGGAS WEARING LITTLE FLYER LOOKIN CARDS WITH “RIP MY NIGGA” ON THEM WITH YA PICTURE. IF YOU LIVE IN THE SUBURBS THIS IS GONNA GO ON FOR INFINITY ETERNITY AND YALL NIGGAS GON FIGHT EVERYTIME YOU SEE EACHOTHER AT CINNABON IN THE MALL.

3) SHE SUCKER PUNCHES YOU: UNLESS YOU WILD SOFT OR YOU DATING ONE OF THESE BITCHES EVEN IF SHORTY TROMBONES YA SHIT ON SOME UNEXPECTED YOU SHOULD STILL BE STANDING. IN WHICH CASE YOU TURN AND FLINCH AT SHORTY. IF SHE FLINCHES ON SOME SHOOK SHIT THEN YOU GRAB HER FACE AND SMUSH IT. DON’T MUSH THE BITCH SMUSH THE BITCH…YOU GOTTA PALM HER FACE LIKE A BASKETBALL AND BE LIKE “FUCK YOU DOIN BITCH? YOU CRAZY?” IF SHE DON’T FLINCH AND COCKS BACK FOR ANOTHER SWING THEN YOU GOTTA HIT SHORTY WITH THE DOWNWARD SMACK. YOU COME FROM UP HIGH AND SMACK DOWN LIKE YOU SLAMMIN DOMINOES ON THE TABLE. THAT SHIT IS WILD DISHEARTENING B. IT MAKES SHORTY REALIZE SHE CAN’T BANG WITH YOU CUZ YOU’LL ROCK HER SHIT. 

NO MATTER WHAT YOU GOTTA STAY CALM B. DON’T WILD OUT AND START SCREAMIN & SHIT B. YOU GOTTA WHIP SHORTY ASS AND BE ON SOME COOL IKE TURNER SHIT. THAT WAY SHE FEELS LIKE “YO THIS NIGGA IS CRAZY LEMME NOT TRAVEL DOWN THIS ROAD DOWN AGAIN CUZ I CAN’T SEE OUT MY RIGHT EYEBALL RIGHT NOW AND MY EARS IS RINGIN”… ALSO, THIS SHIT APPLIES TO REGULAR BITCHES. IF YOUR GIRL IS WILD FAT THEN YOU GOTTA BE CAREFUL CUZ FAT BITCHES DON’T GO DOWN EASY AND THEY GO INTO CRAZY RHINO MODE AND WILL FALL ON YOU TO IMMOBILIZE YOU AND PUNCH YOU IN YA NUTS AND ALL THAT…NAH I’M PLAYIN FAT BITCHES GO NO SELF ESTEEM THEY WON’T EVER GET OUTTA POCKET UNLESS YOU GET HIGH AND EAT ALL THE ENTENMANN’S.

(Editor’s note: I immediately thought of this. Also, never ever hit a woman.)

Abdullahi “Boyah” Abshir, who claimed to have hijacked more than 25 ships, told me that he and his men did not discriminate, but would go after any ship hapless enough to wander into their sights. And despite their ostensible purpose of protecting Somali national waters, during the heat of the chase they paid no regard to international boundaries, pursuing their target until they caught it or it escaped them. Boyah separated his seafaring prey into the broad dichotomy of commercial and tourist ships. The commercial ships, identifiable by the cranes visible on their decks, were much slower and easier to capture. Boyah had gone after too many of these to remember: “a lot” was his most precise estimate.

The basic strategy was crude in its simplicity. In attack groups spread across several small and speedy skiffs, Boyah and his men approached their target on all sides, swarming like a waterborne wolf pack. They brandished their weapons in an attempt to frighten the ship’s crew into stopping, and even fired into the air. If these scare tactics did not work, and if the target ship was capable of outperforming their outboard motors, the chase ended there. But if they managed to pull even with their target, they tossed hooked rope ladders onto the decks and boarded the ship. Instances of the crew fighting back were rare, and rarely effective, and the whole process, from spotting to capturing, took at most 30 minutes. Boyah guessed that only 20% to 30% of attempted hijackings met with success, for which he blamed speedy prey, technical problems and foreign naval or domestic intervention. The captured ship was then steered to a friendly port – in Boyah’s case, Eyl – where guards and interpreters were brought from the shore to look after the hostages during the ransom negotiation.

Once the ransom was secured – often routed through banks in London and Dubai and parachuted like a special-delivery care package directly onto the deck of the ship – it was split among all the concerned parties. Half the money went to the attackers, the men who actually captured the ship. A third went to the operation’s investors: those who fronted the money for the ships, fuel, tracking equipment and weapons. The remaining sixth went to everyone else: the guards ferried from shore to watch over the hostage crew, the suppliers of food and water, the translators (occasionally high-school students on their summer break), and even the poor and disabled in the local community, who received some as charity. Such largesse, Boyah told me, had made his merry band into Robin Hood figures among the residents of Eyl.

Boyah’s moral compass seemed to be divided between sea and shore; he warned me, half-jokingly, not to run into him in a boat, but, despite my earlier misgivings, assured me that he was quite harmless on land. “We’re not murderers,” he said. “We’ve never killed anyone, we just attack ships.”

YO IF YOU A NEW YORKER©…LIKE YOU A NEW NIGGA, YOU JUST CAME FROM MILWAUKEE OR SOMEWHERE ELSE THAT IN THAT STATE IS CONSIDERED A “BIG CITY” SO YOU THINK YOU GOT THAT FLOW LIKE “PSSHHH I’VE SEEN BROWN PEOPLE BEFORE B, NYC IS LIGHT WORK” DON’T PLAY YOURSELF AND FOLLOW THESE SUBWAY RULES. CUZ YOU NOT READY TYLER.

IF YOU TAKE THE TRAIN JUST AROUND MANHATTAN EXCLUDING HARLEM AND WASHINGTON HEIGHTS THEN YOU DON’T EVEN NEED THIS. WHITE PEOPLE BOUGHT EVERYTHING OVER THERE AND GIULIANI TURNED THE REST OF THAT SHIT INTO CLUB MED FOR RACIST INFANTS EXCEPT IT SNOWS SOMETIMES AND IS IMPOSSIBLE TO (EASILY) FIND DRUGS. EVEN THE HOMELESS PEOPLE OUT THERE ARE EITHER ABOUT TO BE ARRESTED FOR BEING HOMELESS, OR SINGING YOU A BABYTIME LULLABY AND ARE HAPPY TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS YOU HAVE ABOUT THEIR FRIEND ABIGAIL (WHO IS NOT VISIBLE TO YOU). FOR EVERYTHING ELSE YOU GOTTA FOLLOW SOME RULES.

1) IN THE DAYTIME, WEAR HEADPHONES. NOT IPOD HEADPHONES, WEAR SOME RINKY DINK BLACK SHITS. WHITE HEADPHONES LOOK LIKE IPOD/IPHONE HEADPHONES AND NIGGAS WILL ASSASSINATE YOUR WHOLE EVERTHING FOR AN IPHONE THEN TAKE IT TO SOME LITTLE BULLSHIT CELLPHONE STORE AND “JAILBREAK IT” SO THEY CAN USE THE SHIT ON TMOBILE…THEY GOT A CONTRACT WITH TMOBILE FROM WHEN THEY HAD A SIDEKICK.

2)WHY HEADPHONES MERO? NIGGA THE MOST IMPORTANTEST RULE IS TO IGNORE NIGGAS ON THE SUBWAY. YOU NOT BUYIN WHAT THEY SELLIN. I KNOW WHITE PEOPLE LOVE GIVING TO CHARITY BUT THESE BUM NIGGAS AIN’T A CHARITY. THEY MAKE MORE MONEY GASSIN UP WHITE PEOPLE THAN YOU MAKE AT YOUR LITTLE BULLSHIT CUBICLE/FREELANCE WEB EDITING/DOG GROOMING JOB. KEEP YOUR MONEY AND TIP THE LITTLE CHINKINGTON AT THE THAI FOOD PLACE THAT SPITS IN YOUR POMEGRANATE MARGARITA CUZ HE SECRETLY HATES THIS COUNTRY, AND HAS DEVELOPED A HATRED FOR WHITE PEOPLE FROM HIS DAYS AS A LADYBOY NAMED “MEI LING” GIVING OLD WHITE NIGGAS “YUM YUM” FOR $0.06.

3)DO NOT BECOME INVOLVED IN OTHER NIGGAS ALTERCATIONS ON THE SUBWAY. I SEEN SOME DUDE YELLIN AT HIS GIRL ON THE TRAIN (NOT HITTING OR NOTHIN LIKE THAT, JUST STRAIGHT YELLIN) AND SOME NIGGA WAS LIKE “EXCUSE ME YOU SHOULDN’T BE TALKING TO HER LIKE THAT” (HE REALLY SAID THAT I’M DEAD ASS)…HOMIE THAT WAS BERATING HIS WIFEY JUST HAPPENED TO BE TRAVELING WITH A GROUP AND WHEN THE GOOD CAUCASAMARITAN UTTERED THE LAST SYLLABLE OF THAT SENTENCE NIGGAS SAID NOT ONE WORD BEFORE THEY PROCEEDED TO PUNCH MY SON IN THE FACIAL FROM 103RD TO 125TH. SO UNLESS YOU WANNA BE TRAPPED IN A STEEL CAGE MATCH WITH 5 NIGGAS THAT ENJOY BEATING FLAMES OUTTA OTHER HUMANS, MIND YA FUCKIN NECK. CUZ NIGGAS WILL BEAT YOUR WHOLE FACIAL IN TILL THE SHIT LOOK LIKE SALSA AND THEN IMA LAUGH AND DIP TOSTITOS IN YOUR WIG.

4)DO NOT START BEEF ON THE TRAIN, THIS IS THE SAME AS MINDING YOUR BUSINESS BUT IF YOU RUN INTO SOME BEEF TYPE SHIT ON THE TRAIN DON’T SCRAP WITH A NIGGA ON THE TRAIN UNLESS YOU DONT CARE ABOUT GETTIN ARESSTED, COPS WON’T SHOW UP WHEN TAYQUAN AND THE OTHER NIGGAS FROM HIS BLOCK ARE BEATING YOUR FACIAL INTO ANGUS BUT AS SOON AS YOU TAKE THAT FIRST SWING ON A NIGGA OFFICER PETROZULLI IS RIGHT THERE TO SLAP THE JEWELRY ON YOU. THAT’S THE TYPE OF FUCKED UP LUCK NIGGAS HAVE ON THE SUBWAY.

5)SPEAKIN OF FUCKED UP LUCK, WATCH YOUR FUCKIN STEP B! THE SUBWAY IS LIKE A FALL FACTORY MY NIGGA THEY MAKE ALL KIND OF FALLS, EMBARASSING FALLS, FATAL FALLS, “MY NIGGA YOU’RE A DICK” FALLS, LITTLE BABY FALLS YOU HOPE NOONE SAW BUT THEY DID AND THEY SNICKERING RIGHT NOW…AND ALL OTHER MANNER OF INJURIOUS SHIT. SO BASICALLY PUT YA FUCKIN PHONE DOWN CUZ YOU NOT POSED TO HAVE IT OUT ANYWAY AND WATCH WHERE YOU PUT YOUR FEET BEFORE YOU END UP LIKE THIS NIGGA

I GUESS THAT’S IT, IF THIS WAS THE 90’S THIS WOULD HAVE AT LEAST 10 MORE RULES LIKE “DON’T TAKE THE TRAIN TO OR THROUGH THE BRONX AFTER 10PM” OR “IF YOU’RE WHITE WEAR A SKI MASK AND SPEAK WITH A SPANISH ACCENT” BUT NYC IS A LITTLE SOFTER SINCE 9/11 CUZ NOW COPS CAN SODOMIZE YOU AND SEND YOU TO THE BING FOR FARTING AFTER YOU SNEEZE. NIGGAS AIN’T REALLY TAKIN CHANCES. BUT THERE’S STILL CRAZY NIGGAS ON THE TRAIN YOU GOTTA LOOK OUT FOR. CRAZY NIGGAS DON’T CARE ABOUT STUPID SHIT LIKE “LAWS” CUZ WHERE THEY LIVE THEIR ONLY CONCERN IS ARGUING WITH ABIGAIL ABOUT DOOMSDAY AND EATING GARBAGE.

CRAZY NIGGA CHECKLIST

A NIGGA IS CRAZY IF HE’S DOIN ANY COMBINATION OF THE FOLLOWING

• IS TALKING TO HISSELF LOUDLY
• SMELLS LIKE A DEAD NIGGA THAT SHIT HIS PANTS BEFORE HE DIED AND FELL OUT AN ELEPHANT PUSSY (IF THE ELEPHANT HAD BACTERIAL VAGINOSIS)
• IS HOLDING A KNIFE 
• IS HOLDING A GUN
• IS JERKING ILLZES ON THE TRAIN
• IS EATING A RAT

IF THE NIGGA IS DOING/BEING ANY OF THESE THINGS DO NOT APPROACH MY SON CUZ HE’LL BITE YOU AND YOU’LL GET THE WORST DISEASE YOU EVER GOT IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE AND YOU WON’T GET TO FINISH THAT COOL DESIGN YOU WERE DOING IN PHOTOSHOP FOR YOUR FALL COLLECTION OF TSHIRTS…CUZ YOU’LL BE LAID UP IN THE SPITAL DRINKIN THROUGH YA VEINS.