Metallica Barf

(Editor’s note: A submission by someone who calls himself “Night Writer”. First in a series.)

If you read the title and said to yourself “WTF is Metallic Barf?” you either won’t get this rant or you’ll think it’s excessive. This is a 50/50 rant with no middle ground. Like heads or tails you have to call a side. Now if you read this title and started laughing and called out car names like Acura CL or Mercedes C230, then you feel the same way I do about “Metallic Barf”.

There are many colors to choose from when you buy a car. There’s the classic black or white, the neutral silver, and green. Let’s not forget the racy yellow or red. Then there are variations of those colors, like burgundy, gunmetal, British racing green and sand. I don’t have a problem with any of those colors, but what I do have a problem with is Metallic Barf.

What is Metallic Barf? It’s complicated, there is no simple answer because many of the car manufacturers have this color, but each one has their own take on it.



For example Acura has a version that looks like some fat ass ate an entire rotisserie chicken and washed it down with metallic flakes then barfed it up in a spray can. 

Another great example is the Mercedes C230 hatchback. Now I’m not even going to go into how pathetic this car is. Lets save that for another rant. I’m just going to focus on the color.



This fine machine was available in Metallic Barf as well, but this one looked like a yuppie went to a sushi joint and ate nothing but edamame and green tea ice cream then took a hand full of metallic chips and yacked out this brilliant color.

The color of a car says a lot about three groups of people, first the company that made the atrocious color, the dealer that sold the atrocious color, and the buyer of the atrocious.

So the company that decided to go with Metallic Barf had a panel, a group of people that said, “Yes, I’m not only okay with this color but I think we can sell this color”. Then there was the dealer that looked at this color and said “This is the perfect color for that one guy that otherwise would never buy our product. He’s going to buy this car not for the build quality or the performance, but for the snazzy color!”. Then there was the buyer that was driving down the street to get his/her café mocha latte grande half calf organic bean save the world coffee for $8.68 and saw this Metallic Barf colored car and fell in love with it.

I guess you can say if there’s a buyer for it we need to supply it, with that being said I want a canon mount system for my sunroof so I can gun down these idiots!